My Baby Shower

My cousins hosted a baby shower for me on Saturday and did a great job pulling everything together! I was so excited to see some old friends and I always love spending time with my family. We are a pretty close group.  Love coming from a large family!

Baby girl will be a third generation, the same as the adorable little piglets in this picture. Poor little Hudson...he's the only little boy so far. Boy is he is for it!

The theme....ladybugs of course! There was a ladybug cake with grass topped cupcakes surrounding her. Fresh fruit and veggies, little sandwiches and pasta salad and of course you can't forget the chocolate chip dip or chocolate fountain! Yum!

The place was all fixed up with balloons and  little ladybug accents, the only thing missing was the glider that Grandma had delivered to my house a few weeks ago. But they did have a "pink throne" for me to sit on, so that was totally acceptable!

Beside my throne, they had placed an empty chair with a single pink rose in memory of my mom. Even though she wasn't there to sit beside me on my special day, we all knew that she wasn't missing it at all. My cousin Desirae wrote an amazing poem and had it framed for me. She read it aloud and everyone had tears in their eyes and I had my ugly cry face on for a few seconds. It touched me that they thought of including that for me....and for our baby. I think it will be perfect in our little princesses room. (if you click on the picture to enlarge it, you can read it easier)

After a few games, the real fun began....opening presents! I was shocked at the number of things that people brought for us! What a blessing! And in all of it....there were no duplicates! Imagine that.....I was shocked. Everyone had great ideas, mostly from current moms who knew what I would be needing the most!

There were all sizes and colors of onsies. Some with ruffles and some with sleeves, some with zippers and some that were gowns.

Her little closet will look like a zoo! Monkeys and chicks and butterflies and frogs and whales...she will love them all!

There was a lot of pink, of course, but don't worry there are some fun colors thrown in there too!

Lots of flowers and ladybugs to make our spring/summer baby look adorable!

She got dresses and jumpers and pants of every size complete with ruffle butts!
She is going to be one stylish little girl!

And what little girl wouldn't be ready for summer without a bathing suit and some hairbands.
She also got a basket full of stuffed animals and rattles. She is gonna have fun with those!

She is following after her momma already with several pairs of shoes and some cute patterened socks. Do you see those zebra boots? Can't wait to get her in those this winter!

Thankfully we were given many practical items too besides clothes. Like an adorable diaper bag and a vaporizer for those stuffy nights. Lots of wipes and diapers in all sizes will make it much easier to be prepared for those late night changes!

There were binkies to calm her down when she is upset, and washclothes to help keep her clean, as well as a whole plethora of bathtime and healthcare essentials.
Can't wait to rub lotion on her tiny little toes!

Bedtime will be so relaxing with all her super sift blankets and swaddlers. We asked people to bring a book and to write a message inside for baby G. We wanted to start her library and I am going to start reading these to her as soon as her nursery is complete!
The things people wrote to her brought tears to my eyes...she is so loved already!

My Grandma, Aunts and Cousins went together and got us the Pack N Play and Stroller/Carseat system we wanted! Woohoo....so thankful for those!
That was a big relief off our list, can't leave the hospital without a carseat!

These are some of my favorite outfits. The love bug one has little pants as well as a little ruffle layered skirt! And the tank dresses on the right will be perfect for those hot summer days when we just are lounging around the house! Love them!

Some friends that couldn't be there even sent gifts ahead of time. Thanks Audrey, Stacy  and Lauren!

It was such an amazing day, I feel like I didn't have time to talk to everyone, but I guess that is normal when surrounded by over 30 women! I am so thankful and blessed to have an amazing group of friends and family that love us so much.

I am so grateful that my Grandma was there to do it all with me. We both miss my mom, but through this pregnancy I think we both have felt that she is watching me from above with a huge smile on her face. Proud of her baby girl and the little grandaughter growing inside her.

10 comments Baby Shower, Family, Mom

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Dreams happen for a reason

I am a dreamer. A wake up crying, with a racing heartbeat kinda dreamer. I haven't had any dreams about certain people in a while, but this week is proving to be full of them!

Monday night I had a dream about my Grandpa.  I was moving out of my house that I lived in with him and Grandma and was really upset and crying.  I didn't want Grandma to think I was abandoning her, but it was time for me to move out and go my own way. (I'm not sure of the timeframe, cause a lot of things were now, but some things were just like they were when I moved out in 1999).

So I got in the car which was packed full of stuff and went to pull back out of our gravel driveway.  Ended up backup circling all the way around the yard and pulled right back into the spot I was at. I ran out of the car and ran up and hugged Grandpa really tight and told him I was sorry and that I would miss him.  He just hugged me and said that he knew, that he would be fine.  I then turned to Grandma who was crying too (see where I get that from) and she said I'm just gonna miss you, you are my baby girl. (insert more sobbing on my part)

I turned and looked at Grandpa and he said "Mom, it's what she got to do" and that seemed to make something click and she was like "I know, you go have fun, and call me when you get there."  Grandpa just smiled and pulled up his jeans a little like he always did. (cause he never wore his belt tight enough anyway, you know that kinda Grandpa). I walked back to the car and told myself to calm down and thought to myself...calm down, everything is going to be ok, you have other things to worry about. This was huge, because I rarely can calm myself down in reality so to have myself tell myself to calm down and breathe in a dream was a major thing.  Like, wow I really am living it....and dreaming it. That made me smile. Maybe Grandpa was trying to tell me to calm down and just breathe, everything will be ok cause it's what I got to do.

I wasn't feeling very well last night and went to lay in bed about 9ish to finish watching Biggest Loser.  I didn't end up falling asleep until about 11.  But when I did, I was thrilled to have another dream.  This one included my mom.

We were having a cookout at our house, and there were tons of people in the backyard (remember I have a big family).  There was Grandma and aunts and uncles and cousins and babies and in-laws from all over.  I looked over in the corner and saw my mom laughing and smiling with a few of my aunts. She was eating something that we grilled up and I waved and she smiled and mouthed that the food was really good! I went to get up to head over to see her, but someone leaned over the fence and called for me. It was my neighbor wanting to congratulate me on graduating. I said thank you (?huh?) and went to turn around to go back and talk to mom.

She was getting up and walking over to come talk to me.  She never made it over, got distracted taking to another family member, but I just remember her laughing and smiling and having fun with everyone else.  I dare to almost say that she was beaming, her smile was so bright!  It felt great to see her there and so happy. She must have known I needed that right now.

This afternoon when I drive home will mark 2 years since I last talked to my mom. She passed away about 8 hours later.  I am so thankful that I got to say goodbye to her that day and tell her that I loved her. 

Last year was really tough and I got home and cried for hours.  This year feels even heavier for so many reasons.  There is so much going on right now within my family that I feel kinda lost without having her to talk to about things.  I know that she is around me now more then ever and I will continue to talk to her and listen and look for signs from her.  It will be a sad drive home, but knowing that Grandpa and her are together up there smiling and watching over me will make it a little bit easier.  I have two amazing guardian angels keeping an eye on me and that is such a comforting thing.  I'll talk to you on the ride home Mom.

7 comments Grandpa, Love, Mom

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Hello Internet...did you miss me?

Hello….is this thing on, anybody still out there? Been a while since I’ve stopped by, didn’t know if anyone still checked my little blog. I haven’t posted since before I went to Chicago (wow that was 3 weeks ago already). It has been really crazy lately at work with the end of our fiscal year, so I had to put some extra hours in. A lot has been going on at home and with my family and I’m just trying to keep up with all of it.  Some happy, some sad, some fun and some difficult stuff, I’m just trying to keep afloat.. I love all my bloggy friends, but lately I’ve felt the need to spend more time with my hubby and canine kiddos and family. I know you will be here when I have time to blog regularly again. 

I’m still tweeting from time to time, so you may have been keeping up with me there!

So a few days before I left for Chicago, we adopted Ellie. She is a sweet black lab mix, about a year old. She and Emma are doing pretty good together, except the times Ellie tries to pick Emma up by her neck. But don’t you worry, Emma puts her in her place real quick. She still is the queen of her castle, that will never change.  Someday they will be napping together, but they aren’t quite there yet. 

Ellie loves catching Frisbees and tennis balls, something that we could never really do with a Doxie. 

So that’s kept my husband having fun with her. She minds about 75% of the time and doesn’t really bark or chew, so we are pretty happy with her and how she is working into our family.

Chicago was a fun time with my beautiful friend Lauren! 

We went into the city on Friday walked around a bit before jumping on the "L" and heading to the game. 

 We stopped and had some drinks next to the stadium before the game. 

I had to buy a Cubs shirt...I liked this one cause it is just as much Chicago as it is Cubs.

We had awesome seats, I so wish I had brought my zoom lens with me! 

They ended up loosing, but it was a great experience.

Then the next day visited the Brookfield Zoo….it was a cool brisk day 

so it was perfect for walking around seeing all the animals. 

Sunday we just chilled at the house and watched football and relaxed. She has 3 cats and I unfortunately think that I learned that am allergic to them if I stay in the same room for more then 8 hours. 

They were super sweet and Will quickly became my buddy. It was great to see her and her husband. 

They opened their beautiful home to me and we had a great time catching up! Miss ya L!

I am realizing I love my husband more and more everyday. We have been together for almost 10 years and next month will be married for 6. Sometimes in the everyday life, I'm sure I act like I take him for granted. But I know how special a relationship like ours is and I'm going to try to show him more that I appreciate him.  I had a great time in Chicago with my friend, but I was glad to come home to him and our little family. I loved seeing some of the sights but found myself thinking how much he would have liked seeing them too. I guess that’s how you know you found the one. Even when you are looking forward to a little time away, you can’t help but think about them and get that little twinkle in your eye. He still gives me that twinkle. He’s my best friend, and I am so thankful that he loves me and supports me!

The day I got back from Chicago, we went to my hometown for Debbie’s Birthday dinner. 

Her daughter had a cow cake made, it was really cute. 

It was nice to see everyone come out for her special day! 

That Friday, they found a blood clot in her leg and had to spend about a week in the hospital. She eventually had to get a port put in because her veins kept popping, my moms used to be like that. 

So she had that done last Tuesday and got to go home on Thursday. She is still in her wheelchair, but seems to be in good spirits. They are going to have PT come in a few times a week to see if she can get her strength up to walk a little more to make it easier for her to go potty and get into bed. 

She has her last dose of Avastin today, so pray that it starts to heal her.

Let’s see what about some other random updates:

*I’m down a lb this week, so the extra I gained is a thing of the past. I got booted last week from the Sisterhood Challenge, but in my heart I will always be a Burgundy Babe. I’ve put the running thing on hold for now, I normally end up burning more calories walking or shredding anyway. However I haven’t done either of those since I’ve been back either. Gotta work on that. I know.

*I have been missing my mom a lot lately, the end of this month will be 2 years since she passed. Something popped in my mind the other day and I remember shopping at 16 Plus in the mall with her when I was a child…I would love to help her pick out some clothes and she would always let me choose a necklace or earrings or something. I wish we could go shopping again, I’m in need of some new clothes.

*My cousins and their babies are doing well, those girls are getting so big. Josie (14mos) has started walking and Aubrey (6mos) is being attentive and interacting more everyday! They are so cute and I can’t help but smile whenever I see their tiny little faces. Josie’s Momma is expecting a little boy and is the cutest little pregnant woman! She’s due in early Jan, but is measuring about a week bigger and the dr thinks she probably go about 37 wks. Can’t wait to meet baby Hudson!

*My BFF’s twins are turning One the start of next month! I can’t believe they are a year old already! Can’t wait to see them smash some cupcakes in their face. I am amazed by the patience my friend shows everyday being a mom of twins, I think I would be at the brink of tears everyday. But they are doing well, getting healthier everyday, so that is a great thing!

*Other then that I’m doing really well, happy to be healthy and am blessed with so many good things and people in my life right now. Even during the rough, emotional times, I continue to believe in miracles and in love because they are everywhere…sometimes its just easier to see them.
Wishing you miracles and love too!

8 comments Chicago, Family, Love, Mom

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I can be in control of my destiny

It has been a rough couple of weeks for me, and along the way the scale has crept back up.  Add a business trip (which I choose to translate to free dessert with every meal) to the mix and you have one fluffy lady! I don't feel good and have lost that spring in my step.  Something has got to change.  And last night something clicked.

Watching The Biggest Loser last night, the story of D (the one who walked with O'Neil) really struck a chord with me.  She talked about how her Mom passed away at 56 and her family had a history of high blood pressure and diabetes, but she was going to change that and break the cycle.  My Mom died at the age of 56, having obesity and other health problems for the majority of her adult life.  I will be turning 33 this summer and it scares the hell out of me (pardon) to think of only having 23 years left on this earth!  Especially if I become a mother.

After my mom passed I had a fire inside of me to get healthier for her, I owed it to her to live a long and healthy happy life since she wasn't able to.  That is still in my heart, but now I have been energized with the fact that I want to do it for me.  I know I can lose weight, I just need to get back on track and refocus.  Everyone can cheer you on but until you have that feeling inside of yourself to push you to make the change, it won't happen.  I got that feeling last night....and it feels great.

It feels good to know that I have made the decision to start living for me again.  Taking it one day at a a time, and right now one hour at a time...but I know I will get back into the swing of things again soon and be back on my way to being healthy again.  I often tend to be a cheerleader for others before I cheer myself up.  I'm working on that and it isn't easy, I end up feeling selfish alot of the time.  But something switched last night and I felt like I wanted to prove everyone wrong who has thought that I can't change how my future will be.  I can....and I am going to start TODAY.

So enter the latest Shrinking Jeans challenge and just at the right time!  

(how do these ladies and gent know!)

So for the next 21 days I am going to focus on:

1) Taking my vitamins everyday. 

2) Drinking at least 2 liters of water everyday

3) NO sneaking food.  (This is a dangerous habit that I have gotten back into over the last few weeks, like it doesn't count if no one sees me.  Yeah, that's obviously a lie.)

*Thank you all so much for your support thru my downhill slide, I have tried to keep up with some of you thru Twitter and your blogs.  Your sweet emails and comments have meant the world to me.  I know we all struggle at times, but when I am down  I feel like not wanting to pollute everyone else's clean water with my yuck.  But that often is when you need it the most.

8 comments Challenges, Mom, Motivation

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So many questions

I have been thinking a lot about my mom. So many things run thru my head: questions, regrets, questions, memories, and more questions.

What was going thru her mind at the minute she realized she was having trouble breathing? Did she think it would pass like some of the other episodes after walking to the bedroom and getting ready for bed? Did she know that what she had for dinner that night would be her last meal? The last few stitches she made would be her final project?

What was the last thing that she remembers seeing? Did she see Grandma’s face when she came to help? Or was it blurry by that time? Did she hear Grandma telling her to breathe and to hold on? Or was everything blurry and distant? Could she feel her pacemaker firing off trying to regulate her heartbeat? Did that make it hurt worse?

Was she aware, even if she wasn’t responding to my aunt and cousin that came over or the ambulance and medics that came and took her to the hospital? When did her spirit leave her body? Did she suddenly feel better then she had in decades and breathe a sigh of relief that all her aches and pains were gone?

Was she there in the hospital when I walked in and fell into my cousin’s arms when he shook his head which I knew meant I was too late? When I went into the waiting room where Grandma was sobbing uncontrollably and screaming that she couldn’t help her, did she understand why I felt like I needed to stay with her and calm her down? Did she walk beside me when I walked back into the cold room where they placed her? Was she there when I held her hand and smoothed back her hair? Did she know that I didn’t want to let go of her hand and leave that place?

I was in my hometown where my Mom lived on the Thursday night before she died. I didn’t stop by to visit her, but I remember talking to her on my drive back home. Oh how I wish I would have stopped over even if it were just for a minute and show her the ridiculous handbag that I “won” at the auction. Would those extra 15 minutes have made me late for anything? No not at all, but I didn’t think about it, just thought it was past 10 and I still had a thirty minute drive home and needed to get up for work the next morning. I thought I just saw her on Tuesday when I got my hair done and that I’d see her the next weekend at my uncle’s wienie roast. I feel so selfish for that decision, not sure if that will ever change.

I know that I will never know the questions to many if any of these answers, and I will probably ask myself these and more as the years go on. But I like to think that the responses that first pop into my head are put there for a reason.

*I wrote this on Saturday afternoon before heading to my cousin's baby shower. 

My husband woke me up Sunday morning because I was sobbing uncontrollably in my sleep. I had a dream I was with my mom, and she was wanting me to wear this bracelet she had gotten me for high school graduation. It had XOXOXOX on it on the middle of a thin gold chain. I haven’t worn or even thought about that bracelet for years. Why did that piece of jewelry pop up in this dream?


I think my mom was wishing me a Happy Valentine’s Day and wanted to remind me that she loved me.  That I will never question. 
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10 comments Dreams, Emotions, Mom

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Happy Birthday Mom

Today would have been my Mom's 58th birthday.  She passed away 13 months ago.  The one year anniversary of her death was a very hard day. I choose to spend that day with my Grandma and went to the cemetery and prepared  to see the headstone for the first time later that week. Tears were shed because I wish that day had never happened...that it would have taken place 20 years in the future instead of a year ago. 

After much reflection, I have decided I will not be going to the cemetary today.  It just doesn't feel right today...today is a celebration of her life and not a day to mourn that she isn't here to celebrate it.  She was such a warm-hearted person....there weren't many people like my mom.  She had the biggest heart and cared about everyone!  She was such a gentle spirit...and that is what I will remember today.

Instead I have decided to I will be decorating our house for Christmas today!  My mom loved my Christmas trees and love the thought of everyone getting together for the holidays!  What a better way to picture her smiling then to get my house ready for the season.  I also think I am going to try a new recipe for dinner tonight, she always laughed at my kitchen antics...so hopefully she will help me whip up something tasty!

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Happy Birthday Mom....I know your spirit and soul surrounds me when I need it most.  I hope that never changes.  I see the signs...and I'm so thankful for them.  Every single ladybug you send me, the random cat that visited us that day at the cemetery and rubbed on your marker and looked at me with big round eyes, and the dreams of when you visit me, all remind me that you are still around.  I love you and I miss you.  Happy Birthday Mama!

5 comments Mom

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One Year ago my life changed forever...

I can't believe it has been a year since my mom left this earth.  It feels like it was yesterday, yet it feels like it's been forever.
~I'm aware this is a really long post, but I needed to get this off my chest-thanks for listening~

I remember driving home from work one year ago today and talking to my mom and laughing about random things.  I know exactly where I was the last time she told me that loved me and I got to tell her I loved her too.  8 hours later...she was gone.  It's going to be hard to drive that road tonight to get home.  I'm going to take some tissues and a bucket with me, because I've been feeling all kinds of emotion and nausea today.  I know that she is right here with me and trying to wrap me in peace and love, and I am reminded me of all the things that I hold in my heart that I feel are signs from mom.  Little blurps over the past year to let me know that she isn't that far away.

Once shortly after I got my phone, there was a red SOS symbol in the upper corner where the signal bars normally are.  I had to turn off my phone, take out the battery and sim card and put it all back together again.  This happened a handful of times in the first year I got the phone.  I had a dozen of those error msgs pop up over the first few days after Mom passed.  Sometimes I would just be sad and pick up the phone to call Grandma and the symbol would be there then it would go away.  Sometimes when I was talking to Grandma it would cut out and I'd see the SOS msg that disconnected our call.  Never once did I have to take my battery or card out like I had before. I didn't think anything about it at the time, was just frustrated.  But maybe it was something else.

I love ladybugs, and have for years.  My mom knew this and tended to always get me something with ladybugs on it.  Sometimes it would be dishtowels or a candle or a pencil with a ladybug antennae on the cap.  She would stick ladybug stickers on cards she would send or give me a stuffed ladybug toy for Emma.  It got to the point that when she asked me what I wanted for my birthday or Christmas, I had to tell anything without ladybugs on it. She would laugh and say "OK, I know you've got enough ladybugs."

At the cemetery, after we said our good byes and walked back to the car to head back to the church, I leaned on my husbands shoulder and sobbed.  I was holding the glove my husband had given me that he wore to help carry the casket.  I noticed a ladybug was crawling on my hand.  I kinda of smiled and looked over at my husband and started to cry some more.  I rolled down the window and let her fly away.  Later on my cousin had asked if I saw the ladybugs.  Oh did he tell you there was one in the car?  She said no during the graveside service, she and her mom noticed there were tons of ladybugs flying around, then afterward they were instantly gone.  That made me sob so hard, my mom had given me sent me some ladybugs that day and I didn't even get to see them.  Now everytime I see a ladybug, I smile because I know she is trying to life my spirits.


I had my first dream of Mom on Christmas Eve, 2 months after she passed.  I was in my house hanging out with some family and friends, almost like it was a cookout type of thing. I walked downstairs and my Mom was sitting on the couch. I stopped halfway down in total shock of what I was seeing.  I walked down and sit on the couch beside her, in total amazement of what I was seeing, kinda like it was a dream inside a dream. I was like "what's going on". She was just smiling and saying hi and how cute I looked. My mouth was hanging open and I was like"ahhh...what are you doing here, this can't be real...how did you get here?" I looked up at one of my friends and asked them if they saw what I saw. They said yes that she was real and was sitting on the couch.

I then went and stood in front of her and was asking what had happened. She told me that she was here, I just looked at her in amazement that we were having a conversation. I started to cry and told her I thought she was gone. She said no, she had just gone on a trip, she was sorry that I had thought that. I continued telling her what exactly happened and how I saw her at the hospital and funeral home and she was there laying in front of me with no life left in her. I showed her the obituary and how real it was. I was crying so hard and she began to cry and told me she was sorry for leaving, she didn't realize how confusing her trip was going to be and that it was ok now, because she was back and everything was ok. She just had to go away for a little bit but she was back now.

Then she gave me a hug and told me everything would be ok and she never meant to hurt me like that. She was sorry that I had to go thru all of that for no reason. She just went on a little vacation, she wasn't gone...just away for a little bit. I could feel her arms around me as I laid my head on her shoulder. I took a deep breathe that I had been holding in for the last 2 months. She told me she loved me and was sorry that I had to go thru when it wasn't real.

I must have woken up at that point in the dream, because that's the last thing I remember is her hugging me. I woke up feeling a pressure around me, like a heavy blanket was laid across my chest as I slept.  I cried in my Cheerios that morning because I knew that I will only feel her arms around me in my dreams until that day we meet again. But I know that she came to me in that dream on that night to let me know she didn't want to leave and that she was still there with me and would still be able to hug me when I needed it...even if I could only feel it with my heart.

So Christmas Day came. Wasn't really looking forward to it much like I normally was, I knew it was going to be hard not seeing Mom there.  After dinner, we gathered in the living room to exchange gifts. My grandma handed me a box and told me these were for me. It wasn't uncommon for her to give me a few little extra things for Christmas, so I just thought that it was something from her.

I went over and sit on a spot by the tree, there were over 30 people in the room, so you cop-a-squat where you can. Started looking around while everyone opened their presents and saw my cousin getting teary and looking at me. I knew it was hard for everyone not just me.  I looked down at the box and realized that they were not presents from my Grandma. They were gifts that my mom had already bought and wrapped before she passed away. I immediately started crying when I saw her handwriting. She had beautiful penmanship. Something that I definitely didn't get from her. There were several things in the box. There was a Rachel Ray cookbook, she knew I was messing with new recipes and trying new foods. There were several packages that were wrapped and labeled.

The first thing that I opened was something that she had gotten me but it didn't come in until after she had passed, so my Grandma wrapped it for me. A few weeks before she passed away I had gotten an AVON book in our mailbox. I flipped thru it and saw a Smurfette watch. It made me smile and instantly reminded me of being young watching the SMURFS on Saturday mornings. So that night when I talked to her, I told her if she ever ordered me anything from AVON again, this watch would be perfect. See my mom was always getting me little rings or jewelry or lipstick from AVON, so I knew that she would probably be getting the same book if she didn't have it already. Apparently she had ordered it for me but was never able to see me wear it.

The next thing in the box was a package that said it was from Toby & Moses. Toby is my grandma's dog and Moses was my mom's cat. It wasn't unusual for me to get gifts from the pets...they were part of the family too! They were 2 giant Sudoku puzzle books. She had mentioned these to me months before and asked if I knew how to do those crazy number puzzles. I said I loved them and she said she had some books someplace and if she ever found them she would give them to me. I have been doing them ever since, being sure to do each one completely before moving onto the next. I want them to last as long as they can.

The final package was a long box. On the label it said:

To: Mendie Jo

You are the best thing that ever happened to me. 

I love u!!!

From: Mom

My heart broke. I had gotten dozens of gifts before with little heartfelt messages on them, but this by far touched me the most of anything I had ever gotten. I just held it in my hands and started crying even more. Who knows how long she had that package wrapped in her room. I couldn't bring myself to open it, I didn't want to damage the package because of what it symbolized. I waited until I got home later that night and carefully opened the package, being sure not to tear the label, in front of our Christmas tree. Thru the tears I opened up a beautiful bracelet that she had gotten me. While it was a very pretty bracelet, my eyes continued to gravitate to the words that were on the package.

I know there was no way for her to know how much those words would have meant to me when I opened that package on that day. And that is what made them even more special. That she wrote them on a Tuesday when she decided to wrap Christmas presents. They were just what was in her heart at that very minute, the same as every minute and she wanted to make sure that I knew it. I am just sorry that every other package or card that she had given me wasn't as appreciated as this one was. I always was thankful but wish that I was better at telling her while I had the chance. I keep those labels and look at them often. Every time I look at them I say another thank you to the mother that loved me every minute of everyday....and tell her I love her too.

It has been a rough year indeed, but I find some peace in the fact that she won't be in the hospital anymore, she won't have to take tons of medicine anymore, and I don't have to worry about her hurting anymore.  I want to be selfish and I will continue to cry because I don't have my mommy here anymore.  I keep trying to pull pieces of stories that we have shared over the years to help me since I can't call and ask her anymore.  There is so much that I wish I would have asked her while I had the chance, but now I just have to look in my heart and try to figure it out.  She very well might still try to answer me, I just need to be open to how she will get the answer to me.

Mom, I miss your smile and your laugh.  I didn't want to let go of your hand that night.  You had the biggest heart of anyone that I know, I'm just sorry it wasn't strong enough to last many more years.  Thank you for being my mother...I will continue trying to make you proud.  I love you and I'll talk to you on the drive home.

11 comments Emotions, Mom

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Oh Mom...how I miss you

My husband and I went out to the cemetery yesterday to visit my mom. It's always so hard to go visit her, mostly because its like a slap in the face that she is no longer here. The flashes of seeing her at the hospital and then the funeral and walking away from the casket at that very spot with tears running down my face and a hole in my heart stays with me well after I leave the cemetery grounds.

I lost my mother almost a year ago, October 28th 2008. I got the call at 12:30 from my aunt who lived across the street from her that she couldn't breathe and had passed out and they couldn't get her to respond. We lived about 40 minutes away and when we arrived at the hospital I ran in to find my little cousin walking towards me with his arms open and tears in his face. I knew she was gone. I collapsed in the arms of a 17 year old high school senior who loved her more then any of his aunts. I could hear my grandma in the chapel hysterical. She was with her when he passed out and was the last one to talk to her and she couldn't hold her up when she collapsed. I remember all of that just like it was yesterday.

I, as an only child, was left in charge of picking up the pieces after she was gone. Sadly, I do not come from money nor am I made of money and even with the help from some family and friends, arrangements had to be made to cover the funeral expenses. This also means I haven't been able to get her a headstone yet. It breaks my heart every time I go out there and see the little plastic sign from the funeral home marking her resting place. The cross-stitch heart that was once in the corner is now faded, but her name still stands from the plaque. I shared my thoughts and concerns about starting a family, was I ready would I be a good mother. I said some words, some out loud and others in my head...I knew she could hear them both. My husband just held me as I sobbed and stared down at the ground.

We stopped by a local business that makes memorials on our way out of town. We just wanted to stop and see what we liked and get a number to call and get prices and details and timing. But there was a man, who ended up being the owners father and before we knew, the owner had come over and was talking about what we could do etc. It was so thoughtful of him to come out on a Sunday to talk about this with us. So I decided on a size and color of granite that I thought best fit my mom, something I think she would have chosen if given the choice. We then started talking about what else I wanted on the stone besides the name and dates. I wasn't really feeling the praying hands or angel wings. But a simple phrase kept popping in my head and I knew that was what I wanted to go with at the bottom of the stone.

A Loving Mother, Daughter and Sister

Those 6 words said so much about who my mom was. I was an only child, although she had several miscarriages and lost a baby and a husband when she and my step-father were in an accident when I was 3. She always thought the world of me and I never remember her yelling at me or telling me I was dumb for something I did or said, even when it probably was clearly evident. She always would acknowledge the small things, like getting a good review at work or losing half a pound a week.

She lived with my Grandma for the last 5 years of her life. They became kind of like the odd couple and best of friends at the same time. They would complain about each other, but then rarely went anyplace without the other. Yin and Yang, Salt and Pepper...Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. My mom would always go to the dr with my grandma and had all her medications and dosages written on a laminated card that she kept in her wallet. She was a nurse before going on disability years ago, so that kinda thing came naturally to her. It was hard to decipher some of the medical code but we figured it out. She would make my grandma dinner and make sure that she ate enough. She would make new things and try recipes and clip coupons to make their budget go as far as it could.

My mom was the oldest of 10 children and loved all of them with her whole heart. She always sent cards and left messages often singing happy birthday to family members. She loved spending time with her nieces and nephews and supported them in all they did, whether it be sports, music or education. She loved to listen to one talk about football practice while giving him a shoulder rub and loved it when another would come over and play his guitar and sing them a song or three. She thought it was wonderful when her littlest nephew would come over and ride his bike in the driveway and they would share knock-knock jokes. She loved her family more then most people even knew. I am sure that there wasn't a day that went by that she wasn't worrying about someone or thinking about when she would see them again.

I broke into tears when I tried to tell the man what I wanted to have at the bottom. I had to walk away while my husband talked with him. All the things that those words represented just stuck a pin into my heart, and made me wish it was a year ago. How much my life and attitude towards so many things have changed in a years time. There are so many things that I would do and say and ask her if only I had more time. I wish I could ask her about how her pregnancy with me was or how she knew she would be a good mom. I know she would be one of my biggest cheerleaders on this weight loss journey.

It just sucks sometimes having to make decisions like picking out a headstone or choosing financing options when all you want to do is cry and mourn and wish for more time. But I hope that she will be looking down and be happy with what I chose for her. It is light and warm and makes you remember how loved you felt whenever you heard her voice or listened to her laugh. Oh how I miss all of her.

8 comments Mom

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